The first time I felt heavens voice, was when John and I were talking in the kitchen and he was asking me on a date and I was really nervous.  I told him I did not feel comfortable being alone with a guy unless I was married to him.  And as I looked into his eyes at that moment I knew we were going to be married, he did too.  That was heaven speaking to my heart.  I never experienced something so real in my life.

The first time I saw heaven in my dreams, was the night of our “shot gun’ wedding.  My grandmother came to me to give me comfort.  With her bright aura and sincere smile she told me this was Gods will and everything was going to be perfect.

The first time I heard heavens voice was when I laying in bed crying, praying for them to bring my baby home from war.  A group of angels came to me, comforted me, and with heavenly peace, they told me he was going home, but he was not coming home to me.

Two weeks later, On the night my love died, my grandmother visited me once again to tell me the news, to prepare me for the days to come .

The following day, I felt heaven again, a pure peaceful light in my chest.  As the two men dressed in blue spoke to my family, I sat there in silence.  And from far and wide, I know John came to me at that moment, when I was surrounded by family, hands rubbing my back, all allowing me my moment of silence, he came to me and blessed me with peace, comfort of goodbye, an I love you, and we will never be apart.

Another few weeks passed when John came to craddle Elijah in my womb.  His peace submerged Elijah and I  as he parted ways once again to continue on his journey.

I saw heavens work during the birth of my son when the locket I carried for months unopened, finally opened by itself revealing the pictures of the new parents, John’s way of telling us he was there (us mortals sometimes need very obvious signs).

I am sure heaven speaks to me daily, but often I am so busy with the world that I am not hearing what they say, my last experience with the messages from heaven was a few months ago.  I was driving in the car with my niece and my son and they were asking about John, my niece is always so interested in where Elijah’s dad is.  I heard Elijah say he didn’t know his father, when suddenly, after years of trying to figure out what to say to this child, the truth was spoken to me and I relayed, “You know your father.  You were friends in heaven before you came to me, he brought you to me, and kissed my belly before he left, he loves you, and will be with you again.”  To finally have this; has been life saving.  My journey past grief, depended souly upon my heart being open to what God needed me to know.

Wow, the dirty thirty.  Looking back on the years I would have never thought I would be as awesome as I actually am!  I am very fortunate with a small group of friends of whom we never have time for eachother but love just the same.  My family is as crazy as ever, but we love eachother the same.  My animals are very special and keep smiles on every passerby’s face.  My bachelors degree of which has been ten years in the making is almost complete and I will soon be out in the world with agression :)

I am blessed to be in the presence of many amazing people who are doing fabulous things in the world and it is an honor to just be a small part of their work, and to learn and grow, and see the world from their perspective.

My spiritual journey feels so right these days.  I hear God when he speaks to me and put forth significant effort into his calling.  through his word, I have overcome many struggles, such as addiction, low self esteem, depression,  poverty, and ignorance.  Through his word I have been fortunate to care for many, recognize a blessing when it is bestowed upon me, and to build relationships with people of whom I thought I had lost.  Through him, I am an amazing mother.. not perfect, but amazing!

Tim McGraw sings a song about “his next 30 years”.. in my next 30 years..

I want to go on a fishing trip with my dad.

I want to enjoy a christmas play with my mom.

I want to have lunch with my sisters and laugh.

I want swing on the tire swing above Johns cemetary in the spring and fall with Elijah, and many more of our friends.

I want to light up the sky with chinese lanterns.

“Drink a little more lemonade”

Bake more cookies

tend a garden

finish a book

wear a “free hugs” teeshirt and hug lots of people

jump in puddles (I will do that today)

find a church that feels  just right

drive a race car

go sky diving.. and…

join a play!!

I am  certain there is more, but this is where I will start.  One more thing before I go…

Your family will always know best how to torture you.

Your friends will always amaze you.

Your heart will always keep you safe.

smile, love, and hug!

It has been 10 days since my last puff.

I had a dream last night of smoking a marlboro light, it was only half of a cigarette, of which I lit with another half of a cig.  I was driving in a car, my nerves were on edge and I was thinking that it was wrong that I was smoking.  The ironic thing is that when I awoke I had a cough.. similiar to my “smokers cough” and my chest and head felt as if I was smoking all night.  Even as I awoke I had no idea whether it was a dream or reality.  I did remember however, the last time I was serious and confident about my smoking sessation I had a similar dream.. I even went as far as to question my room mate if I had smoked the night before.  So apparently this is all apart of the withdraw and or addiction.  Will  I always have dreams?  if so then why even bother smoking because that dream was amazingly real and I feel as if I got my nic fix without the reprecussions!

On the other side of this experience I am proud to mention that the other day I was at a family event; which in my family you smoke, and you smoke alot!  Suprisingly I only had one really intense moment of craving.  One moment of which I thought I was not going to make it.  I don’t know what it was that turned me off.  I think I envisioned myself actually smoking and the need wasn’t there anymore.

I must say I am eating alot (before you judge, there are fruits and veggies, and fishies in there).  I am also working out as much as I can, so I am hoping it balances.  I am not at an age where I can afford to put any more weight on.  But if the choice beholds smoking or a few extra pounds, I’ll take the muffin top :)

The other benefit of working out during this journey is building up my lung power (you’d be amazed at the difference just one day makes), reducing the anxiety, and storing more energy.  Instead of sitting around smoking a cig to pass time or reduce frustration I have been walking my dog, eating “of course”, but most importantly I have working hard and building friendships along the way.

I am so excited because my 30th birthday is in one day, and I feel great and so proud of myself for how far I have come.  I hope within this year I find the strength to continue on this path, even when the going gets tough, or I have reached my limits, I pray I am strong!

I have never been the girl to leave the pub with a guy.  For years I have watched my girlfriends come and go with many men, most of which times I was by their side with some schmuck trying to hook up with me, but it wasn’t my style.

I was standing in the smoke room at Moose McGillyCuddy’s when I first saw him.  He reminded of the many portraits I have grew up knowing of Arch angel Gabriel.  Beautiful smile, bright white button up shirt (of which I learned is a weakness for this young lady).  I took one look at him and thought ** Thats the guy!  If I were to ever go home with a guy, it would be him!”***  But that was it for me, I continued in with my life.  I didn’t try to seduce him, get free drinks from him, humiliate myself to get this attention like I have witnessed many girls do over the years.  I just went about my night, dancing away.

After some passed I caught him talking to my bestie who was in a relationship with my brother and that made me pretty upset, as I did not know her intentions.  Instead of being the over bearing sister in law and approaching her about it, I went and told him she was taken.  That was when he enlightened that, he was only talking to her to get to know me   so happy!!  thats when we became friends!!

He told me his name was TRE, he said thats what his basketball friends called him.  he was so cute, his attempts at being cool to this day make my heart flutter.  After a few hours we ditched my girlfriend and went back to his place, a hotel down the road… and did absolutely nothing!!  He laid on my chest for hours, as I paniced about morning beer googles, and every time I tried to escape to different bed, he would laugh and insist I join him.

When the sun came up, we transfered hotels and learned that Sadam Houssain was captured.   His friend was with us and robust with excitement, a real chatty, high energy, little dude.  I think John may have thought we were hitting it off because he was so quiet, so he sneaks in a kiss on my check as his buddy in the restroom.  It was by far the cutest thing I have ever been apart of.  Here you have this man who is a trained killer with the USMC and he is swooping in for this peck kiss when nobody is looking!

He dropped me at my place shortly after, and we planned to see eachother that evening.  I was so excited, yet so nervous for the first time in my entire life.  I put on my favorite outfit, favorite perfume, did my hair, and wondered to the same place we met the night before with my two girlfriends.  I saw them standing in line, but I was so nervous I wasnt ready to greet him, and disregarded his friends gesture to join them.  I dont rememeber  much from there except we left there and went to Zanza Bar, which was pricey and my girls wanted to leave.  They were angry he wasnt paying for everything, but I was releived honestly.  I watched so many men for years use their finances to attract woman or intoxicate them, it was refreshing when he said he would only buy his friends drinks because woman tend to use men.  Finally a man who used his brain!!  I decided to stay with him in the booth at Zanza bar.  I never knew how my friends made out that night.

When we decided to leave, the beautiful hawaiian beach was in throwing distance.  we walked and talked, under the gigantic moon reflecting off the deep dark water, palm trees, sea air, pebble sand in our toes.  That was when he truned to me, and for the time in my life I knew exactly what I wanted.  We kissed the most beautiful kiss, tender, sexy, and true.  Our colognes blended to gether and floated with the breeze, it was from then on our souls would not ever part!

My first guy was an Army Veteran, served 2 tours in Iraq, a local stud I had dated before my hubby.  I had invited him and a few of friends to my place after Elijahs first birthday to clean up the left over food, and things just happened.  That first kiss was delish, his hands were magical and soon we spending every day together.  Snowboarding, hiking, drinking, dancing, talking, cooking and most importantly… love making!!!!  It was wonderful!!  He made me feel like a woman again, I was sexy and free and naked half the day, being touched by a gorgeous strong military man.

I knew he wasn’t my guy, but he was soo much like John that it was really difficult not to try to just slip him right into Johns role and act like nothing happened!!  But there was no denying the past, he wasn’t John.  Johns pictures were all over the place.  John was a hero, were bachelor #1 was “just a retired vet” (his words not mine), John fathered my child, John was the man I loved, I would never love him as I loved John.. never!

The hauntings began when bachelor #1 touched me in my bedroom, sounds would be comming from other rooms, toys would start talking, floor boards we creaking.  Once bachelor #1 even ran out of the house in the middle of the night!  He said he could not sleep in the same house as my hubby.  We all laugh hysterically about it now.. but back then everyone was a little creeped out.

We dated for a little longer although he had issues about dating another man wife, a brothers wife, his band of brothers.  We talked about having kids, realized we didn’t want kids together and seperated.  We are still really good friends, and have lots of laughs, sometimes even date if we can get in the same city at the same time.  When he visits my house these days, he takes his hat off and salutes John.. apparently they are “cool” now and have an understanding.  Your right stud.. you understand you don’t mess with his wife and he won’t torutre you in your sleep

October 30, 2011:  7 years ago on Halloween I picked up my first cigarette after John died since we had quite on our wedding day.  Although I have generally always been a social smoker, sometimes I can be awfully social!! I have been socially and anxiously smoking since then.  During the week when Elijah and I are in our routine, I dont even think about smoking, but once I am around a cigarette, or hear someone smoke over the phone I suddenly feel as if I am missing out on something and the urge is mind boggling.

I have decided today, on John’s day of freedom that I will name today my quit day.  I turn 30 in less than a month and I would love to start the next decade free from the possession of nicotine; healthy, strong and free.  I have been socially smoking since I was 19 and it has gotten me no where but lazy, stinky, wrinkled.  “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” Albert Einstein.

Smoking is bad for your lungs, teeth, bones, brain, energy, skin, heart, blood, social growth, and a horrible example for our young.  Im not knocking you if you smoke, I am just reminding myself of why it important to me and hoping ya’ll agree and quit as well, because I love you and want to you to be healthy with me!

My 7th angelversary present to Elijah, John, and myself is my health.  The only way to get healthy is to be healthy, think healthy, and love healthy!

11/14.. I relapsed.. yes I suck but it happens.  When John and I quit we did it together it made it much easier.  But I figure I still have a week before my 30th so I am still doing well, I havent smoked in couple days and I only want to smoke when I am around them.   So my plan is at this point to remember when I am around my smoking friends that for the rest of my life I will have cravings, and want to socially smoke, but it is in my best interest to resist!!

A few christmases ago I was dating this wonderful man, who loved both Elijah and I very much and we loved him, we still do.  But I remember my inlaws, sitting in my family room, with John’s painted portrait hanging over the mantle.  Elijah and I were talking soo much about Bachelor #2, bachelor #2 was everything.  Meanwhile their faces exaughsted of years of hurting and loss.  My heart broke, suddenly I felt as if I was cheating on John, I was doing something wrong, it had been three years.  BUt I went into deep depression, left Bachelor #2, not because I wanted to or needed to, but because I didn’t know where both men fit into my life.  I began to focus on my relationship with a man who longer walked the earth.  A man of whom I had only known ten months when I burried him pregnant with his child.  Not only had I not seen his body, because there was nothing left beside “a torso and a few other pieces” according to his casuality officer… but I only knew him for such short time, I only know who he wanted to be and who he was with me and our few friends.  That man I loved, but to raise his child? Face his friends who have known him for years? I was lost and confused.  All I had to go on was his promise, his faith, and the knowledge that he chose me, and wanted the world to know that he loved me, so it was that of which I choose to build our new relationship upon, the facts of all I knew, that we loved eachother and commited to healthy lifestyle.  and for that, for how special he was, I feel blessed.

Everyone told me in the beginning to move on, I was young, and it happens.  So I tried, I tried to put him away, burry him in my heart, walk away from it as I did with many jobs, classes, and relationships from my past.  BUt he didn’t disapppear so easily.  Every year as the annniversaries started to come around I had horrible depressions, songs would play and I would crumble, seeing a man in uniform was wretched.  I had no one to talk to.  Everyone moved on, and felt I should have too.  But for me it wasnt about moving on, I had moved on, I was working, going to school, visiting friends, dating, and doing what people are expected to do.  For me it was about him being apart of my life, my child’s life.  People tell me I am doing great, I am such a great mom, and I should not be concerned about him for he is gone and never comming back, but he is apart of my soul, my being, my life, my child, my family, and I love him no matter where he lives or works, and whether you think he is dead or alive.

Even soo many years later, the healing I still experience amazing. I had him burried, and thought I could just move on and walk away, but once I realized I was being unrealistic and I had to find a place for him, life has been amazing!  A few weeks back I posted a poem I wrote for Elijah and I, and that idea was spoken to my heart, from the heavens themselves, that poem in itself is healing to me everyday.  I am so greatful for the time I have to pray and meditate, because without that I would be lost, over stimulated, and anxious, Im sure of it.

horrid stigma of being a military widow.  The unpredictable reactions of which come from the many people you inform of your marriage status.

The hugs, the tears, the im sorries… the “oh that sucks” as they escape as quickly and quietly as possible!

no man will ever see you as sexy again, instead they see you as strong, respectful and as family.  then you get the,  “If there is anything I could do”.. how many times has this been said.  How many times was it sincere?  because honestly, I can think of quite a few things you could do.. right this moment.. lol!!!

It is however, always awesome to tell the jerks who ask you your status, and put their foot in their mouth.  “Why is a pretty lady like you not taken?” Because my husband went to work for God…  LOVE THAT!!!!

It’s amazing how quickly your girlfriends turn on you, and unlikely it is for woman to befriend you.  Woman judge you and think your contagious, or want you clear of their men for fear that you want him, we have to deal with our own crap.. do you honestly think we want yours too?  I had one girl say that now I’m single, I will be bringing around guys and she is not in the dating world anymore so she couldn’t be my friend, seriously?  I just burried my husband and I am pregnant!  LOSER!!!

Then you get the people who say… “Are they taking care of you?”  no THEY are not taking care of me.. my husband worked his butt off, night and day, day and night, rain or shine, on the weekends, during sand storms, and explosions,  everyday of the year.. so his family didn’t have to suffer in his absence.. nobody is taking care of us but US!!

Then there is the best reaction of all… THANK YOU, HE IS MY HERO!!!  THANK YOU FOR MY FREEDOM!!!  One civilian even asked me how we met, what he was like.. I was astonished, nobody outside of TAPS has ever asked me that before!

Now that I am comfortable where John is, and I have my widda’s, and my family and friends are comming together, Others peoples reactions don’t have an effect on me anymore!  and I am hoping that some of my widsta’s can get here as well.  When its good I embrace it, when it’s bad I either laugh at it, or fuse over it with another widda who understands or a friend who doesnt really care but listens anyway because they know I do.  I was so afraid of this conversation for quit some time, but now I am proud to share with world the sacrifice my love made for our Countries Freedom.

My daddy is in heaven.

He wasn’t always there.

He loved my mom when he was on earth,

And showed the world how much he cared.

I knew him when I was with Jesus, up in the sky,

But he didn’t look like any ordinary guy.

His spirit was perfect, shining with love,

A pure gentle smile; floating like a dove.

And when it was time to go to my mother,

He kissed her belly and said that he loved her.

He placed me in her womb, with the biggest brightest smile,

That’s when he told me, I will see you in a while.

There is a secret that my daddy and I share,

For time on earth is short; and soon to heaven we all
prepare.

For now, while I am on this earth I know,

That when we are happy, sad, excited or mad,

My father’s spirit sure does glow.

He may be with the heavens,

But our souls are
will never part.

That is the truth,

For it is in my
heart.

I remember 7 years ago on this day I had just came home from Hawaii.  I was getting my room ready for our baby.  Dusting, rearranging, and listening to Joyce Meyer on the tube.  In my extremely Catholic home, I looked in Jesus’s eyes and the said the words “Jesus I trust in you”  when suddenly, a painful rush went through my body of which threw me on the bed and I started crying, deeply, deeper than I had ever know.  It was at that moment I knew something horrible had happened.

I decided to get myself together and go down and have breakfast.  I turned on CMT… big mistake, Brad Paisely’s “Whiskey lullaby” was on, which was our song because we wanted to burried under the willows… Next was Reba’s “He gets that from you” which upon my first time hearing was about a widow and her son.. wow things started to get pretty scarey, but the topper was the words 8 Marines killed running across the bottom of the tv screen.  Thats when I called my mom.

Of course mom told me I was over reacting, he would be home soon, everything is fine!  I went to her house and waited, over 24 hours, on the edge of my seat.  I logged on to DEERS to change my address.  I decided to call my mother in law and ask if they had heard from him and they said no, I spoke to her a bit, not mentioning my fear. I was about to hang up when my brother handed me a phone saying a Marine is on the line.

My heart pumping in my throat, in my ears, this man is saying things to me but I dont know what.  I yell at him.. “Tell me what happened, I know something Happened, Ive known all day!!!” and tells me its nothing, the guys are going into combat and they need my address for precaution.. I kept insisting and he finally said he can’t confirm anything over the phone!!!!  I gave the phone to my mom and said “I told you.”  I went to call the Byrds back to tell them something has happened and thats when my sister in law answered and shouted “Tommy’s Dead”, “Tommy’s dead”, I hung up the phone and sat there.

The uniforms went to my grandfathers first, on Halloween, while kids all over the world are “trick or treating”, over 20 Marines around the country are knocking on our doors to tell us the most horrible words we will ever hear.  My grandfather called my mom and she said “Send them over” we were celebrating my step dads 50th that night, so the family was already there, they called over more, and 2 marines came over to give us the news.  I just sat there, talking to John in my head and heart, as calm as I could be, because I know he never left me.  My family are asking all the questions, getting all of the information, as I sat there and stared into space knowing the loneliness ahead!! I spent days even months in shock reading his letters looking at his pictures, telling our stories, walking dixie, and caring for our unborn child.

The anniversaries that followed were horrible, ever year was another set back.  But now seven years later I have many resources, TAPS,AWP, Premier Martial Arts, Counterstrike, Snowball Express, Reales, and of course the many friends, family, school mates and work associates who have tugged me along the way.  I am proud to say this year I call my lucky #7, Its my loves 7 year angelversary, and I am as well as I could have ever hoped to be.  I am so blessed to wake up this morning, and want to live, and know that I have people to live with!